December 6th 2011 is a day that i'll never forget......

My mum at the age of 48, died suddenly in her sleep from a stroke. It was without any doubt the hardest thing I have had to deal with in my life so far, and the catalyst for everything else "bad" that was to follow.

My mum was a very loving person, always there to lend an ear and give advice, regardless of the problem. She was also considered a second mum by all of my friends growing up, with them seeking advice and comfort in times of need as growing teenagers in a fast developing world.....our world. My mum was very caring, very warm and considerate and gave my sister and I a fantastic childhood. She had her moments of course as most people do and did things that I didnt agree with but, she was my mum.

Her death stirred up lots of emotions for me as you can imagine, but the biggest thing to happen to me after her death was the delayed reaction to it. I thought I was fine, a statement many have made during their lifetime to cover up, hide or to completly dimiss the problems and concerns at hand. The truth.....I wasnt fine, far from it, but the five month delayed reaction hit me one day when I called my mum from my phone because I wanted to ask her a question.

The phone rang a few times and heard her voice " Hello" A rush of excitment grew in me, "Hi Mum" "Hello....I can barely hear you" she replied, "Mum can you hear me?....I'll call you back" I said nervously, "Hello....Hold on a second!....im only joking, you though I was here didnt you? leave a message...bye"..........BEEP! "When you've finished recording please hang up"....My heart sank!

This was the day that I realised my mum was no longer here........and I have never cried so much!

From this day my life entered a downward spiral of every possible emotion and over the last few years I have lost truly lost myself.

In addition to losing myself, I lost my partner of 4.5 years, spending time with my children everyday, my home.......and the list goes on. I became a very vacant version of my former self, losing my confidence, my drive, ambition and ability to socalise. I became needy and clingy and desparate for love and attention and rested my need to be happy on my partners shoulders, and course this drove her away. I was also angry and conflicted and confused, often shouting at my children for no reason and quickly dismissing their problems and concerns, which of course is all bad, because its not a true reflection of who I am and or how I do things.

The biggest mistake I made was not seeking help when I had the chance, believing that "I was fine"
Truth again was that I wasnt fine.....and ended up dismissing my partners help and advice, thus pushing  her and everyone else away. Now Im a single man without my children everyday and without the woman I love, all because I didnt come to terms with my mums death.

I will share more thoughts on this in my next blog and will detail some of the things that have helped me to regain me again.