Losing my mum was not the only thing I lost as I've mentioned in my previous posts but also my partner which I consider a death, only a different kind of death. The ending of that relationship brought about a sudden emotional outburst that I haven't experienced in a long time, it was an outburst that completely consumed me. Not even my mum dying and her funeral made me do this, it was refreshing and at the same time harrowing.
In the weeks and months after the end of my relationship I did everything wrong, I begged, pleaded, promised change, cried and so on and so on.....all wrong and not the way to go out with dignity. But when I look back on those moments of sheer panic and weakness I see a number of things that have helped me. Firstly its moments like these that help us learn, if any future relationships end for me I'll know what not to do but more importantly what to do in the first place to stop a relationship from ending. Secondly, it helped me to discover ways to find peace with myself and my world and that's where meditation, affirmations and yoga have helped, more on that later. And lastly, It helped me to look at my mums death from a new angle and start the grieving process for both events.
I've realised that losing my partner was a result of losing myself, and I lost myself after my mum died and didn't apply what I know now because I didn't know it then. The only person in control of me, is me and I let my grief and sorrow consume me which in turn killed the attraction my ex partner had for me and killed our relationship.....killed.....dying.....died.....dead.....death. Starting the grieving process was a hard thing for me to do, still is to some extent, but an important one for me to move on with my life. And part of that process was finding ways to handle my emotions and give real thought and action on changing my past ways.
One way that helps me handle my emotions is meditation, its hard going but gets easier. As each week passes I become stronger in mind and can slip into a peaceful state with relative ease, although I'd be a fool to say that I've nailed the art of it because I'm long way off that. All I do is take myself to quiet room, sit or lay down and let myself drift away from reality and focus on breathing and what my mind is telling me. I love doing it because you get to escape the world for half and hour and my body and mind feel totally relaxed and at ease but most important...........peaceful.
Another change I've made in my life is the application of positive affirmations. Affirmations are your thoughts and words, everything you say and think is an affirmation that you put out into the world and universe and you receive a response based on what you think and feel. Now me being a very negative person (I'm working hard on this) brought me negative things and events, so after researching law of attraction and affirmations, I began to think in positive ways and look at my life in positive ways. So far I think its working but only time will tell because I have to keep working at it and build up my confidence with it. I have also started a vision board to help me strive towards my goals and dreams, Its a fresh project but one that has encouraged me no end. looking at my board fills me with hope, drive, ambition and excitement. Ill talk more about vision boards in my next blog.
Until next time, be peaceful and dont be afraid to seek help.
Wednesday 2 April 2014
Sunday 30 March 2014
In my previous Blog I talked about how the death of my mum sent me into a downward spiral of grief, sorrow, sadness and despair. In this follow up blog I will talk about my slow transformation back into the world of me and what steps I have taken in order to be a more rounded person.
Firstly I would like to say that for all of those people out there that have experienced a death in the family, you are not alone in the way that you think and feel. Its a world full of confusing thoughts and mixed emotions, deep loss and for me great pain. Another thing that I would like to mention is that, everybody deals with loss in different ways, my dad for example stayed very quiet and chose to reflect and mourn quietly and in private only letting out the smallest of feelings. where as my sister would talk to any and everyone that would lend an ear.
Since the end of my relationship, Ive had lots of quiet time to reflect on the past two and a half years and where I went wrong and what I would have differently and will do differently when another death occurs. What helped me was the fact that I treated the end of my relationship as a death, only in this situation no one has died. But treating it like a death has allowed me to open up and feel the emotions of it, to cry and scream and grieve and mourn, do the things I didnt do when my mum died.
Feeling those emotions also enabled me to confront my fears, really stare them in the face and meet them head on. One of my biggest fears was opening up and allowing myself to feel in the moment, to let everything out and feel alive whilst doing it......and boy have I done that, many times over. This has helped me to confront another fear, opening up and talking about my issues with somebody I dont know, which was daunting at first but happily six months later is still a breath of fresh air. For me counselling has really helped me to understand the importance of communicating my feelings and thoughts and listening to the inner me. I would recommend counselling to anyone that is in pain, whatever the circumstances.
My counsellor has really helped me in the six months to feel alive and look at the past objectively and with clarity, which helps when im quiet in my personal space because I can listen with more intent and piece together what ive done wrong in my life and more importantly what ive done right. Listening when quiet brings me on to the next thing that I chose to do and thats meditation, and it has transformed my thinking in a big way. Im only a beginner and still learning the finer processes of stillness, focus, peace and quiet, but im getting there.....slowly and finding mental balance when it doesnt quite go right. In addition to meditation I have taken to making daily affirmations which again really helps me stay posistive and set my life goals. I will talk more about meditation and affirmations in my next blog.
Stay strong and dont be afraid to seek help.
Until next time.
Firstly I would like to say that for all of those people out there that have experienced a death in the family, you are not alone in the way that you think and feel. Its a world full of confusing thoughts and mixed emotions, deep loss and for me great pain. Another thing that I would like to mention is that, everybody deals with loss in different ways, my dad for example stayed very quiet and chose to reflect and mourn quietly and in private only letting out the smallest of feelings. where as my sister would talk to any and everyone that would lend an ear.
Since the end of my relationship, Ive had lots of quiet time to reflect on the past two and a half years and where I went wrong and what I would have differently and will do differently when another death occurs. What helped me was the fact that I treated the end of my relationship as a death, only in this situation no one has died. But treating it like a death has allowed me to open up and feel the emotions of it, to cry and scream and grieve and mourn, do the things I didnt do when my mum died.
Feeling those emotions also enabled me to confront my fears, really stare them in the face and meet them head on. One of my biggest fears was opening up and allowing myself to feel in the moment, to let everything out and feel alive whilst doing it......and boy have I done that, many times over. This has helped me to confront another fear, opening up and talking about my issues with somebody I dont know, which was daunting at first but happily six months later is still a breath of fresh air. For me counselling has really helped me to understand the importance of communicating my feelings and thoughts and listening to the inner me. I would recommend counselling to anyone that is in pain, whatever the circumstances.
My counsellor has really helped me in the six months to feel alive and look at the past objectively and with clarity, which helps when im quiet in my personal space because I can listen with more intent and piece together what ive done wrong in my life and more importantly what ive done right. Listening when quiet brings me on to the next thing that I chose to do and thats meditation, and it has transformed my thinking in a big way. Im only a beginner and still learning the finer processes of stillness, focus, peace and quiet, but im getting there.....slowly and finding mental balance when it doesnt quite go right. In addition to meditation I have taken to making daily affirmations which again really helps me stay posistive and set my life goals. I will talk more about meditation and affirmations in my next blog.
Stay strong and dont be afraid to seek help.
Until next time.
Wednesday 26 March 2014
December 6th 2011 is a day that i'll never forget......
My mum at the age of 48, died suddenly in her sleep from a stroke. It was without any doubt the hardest thing I have had to deal with in my life so far, and the catalyst for everything else "bad" that was to follow.
My mum was a very loving person, always there to lend an ear and give advice, regardless of the problem. She was also considered a second mum by all of my friends growing up, with them seeking advice and comfort in times of need as growing teenagers in a fast developing world.....our world. My mum was very caring, very warm and considerate and gave my sister and I a fantastic childhood. She had her moments of course as most people do and did things that I didnt agree with but, she was my mum.
Her death stirred up lots of emotions for me as you can imagine, but the biggest thing to happen to me after her death was the delayed reaction to it. I thought I was fine, a statement many have made during their lifetime to cover up, hide or to completly dimiss the problems and concerns at hand. The truth.....I wasnt fine, far from it, but the five month delayed reaction hit me one day when I called my mum from my phone because I wanted to ask her a question.
The phone rang a few times and heard her voice " Hello" A rush of excitment grew in me, "Hi Mum" "Hello....I can barely hear you" she replied, "Mum can you hear me?....I'll call you back" I said nervously, "Hello....Hold on a second!....im only joking, you though I was here didnt you? leave a message...bye"..........BEEP! "When you've finished recording please hang up"....My heart sank!
This was the day that I realised my mum was no longer here........and I have never cried so much!
From this day my life entered a downward spiral of every possible emotion and over the last few years I have lost truly lost myself.
In addition to losing myself, I lost my partner of 4.5 years, spending time with my children everyday, my home.......and the list goes on. I became a very vacant version of my former self, losing my confidence, my drive, ambition and ability to socalise. I became needy and clingy and desparate for love and attention and rested my need to be happy on my partners shoulders, and course this drove her away. I was also angry and conflicted and confused, often shouting at my children for no reason and quickly dismissing their problems and concerns, which of course is all bad, because its not a true reflection of who I am and or how I do things.
The biggest mistake I made was not seeking help when I had the chance, believing that "I was fine"
Truth again was that I wasnt fine.....and ended up dismissing my partners help and advice, thus pushing her and everyone else away. Now Im a single man without my children everyday and without the woman I love, all because I didnt come to terms with my mums death.
I will share more thoughts on this in my next blog and will detail some of the things that have helped me to regain me again.
My mum at the age of 48, died suddenly in her sleep from a stroke. It was without any doubt the hardest thing I have had to deal with in my life so far, and the catalyst for everything else "bad" that was to follow.
My mum was a very loving person, always there to lend an ear and give advice, regardless of the problem. She was also considered a second mum by all of my friends growing up, with them seeking advice and comfort in times of need as growing teenagers in a fast developing world.....our world. My mum was very caring, very warm and considerate and gave my sister and I a fantastic childhood. She had her moments of course as most people do and did things that I didnt agree with but, she was my mum.
Her death stirred up lots of emotions for me as you can imagine, but the biggest thing to happen to me after her death was the delayed reaction to it. I thought I was fine, a statement many have made during their lifetime to cover up, hide or to completly dimiss the problems and concerns at hand. The truth.....I wasnt fine, far from it, but the five month delayed reaction hit me one day when I called my mum from my phone because I wanted to ask her a question.
The phone rang a few times and heard her voice " Hello" A rush of excitment grew in me, "Hi Mum" "Hello....I can barely hear you" she replied, "Mum can you hear me?....I'll call you back" I said nervously, "Hello....Hold on a second!....im only joking, you though I was here didnt you? leave a message...bye"..........BEEP! "When you've finished recording please hang up"....My heart sank!
This was the day that I realised my mum was no longer here........and I have never cried so much!
From this day my life entered a downward spiral of every possible emotion and over the last few years I have lost truly lost myself.
In addition to losing myself, I lost my partner of 4.5 years, spending time with my children everyday, my home.......and the list goes on. I became a very vacant version of my former self, losing my confidence, my drive, ambition and ability to socalise. I became needy and clingy and desparate for love and attention and rested my need to be happy on my partners shoulders, and course this drove her away. I was also angry and conflicted and confused, often shouting at my children for no reason and quickly dismissing their problems and concerns, which of course is all bad, because its not a true reflection of who I am and or how I do things.
The biggest mistake I made was not seeking help when I had the chance, believing that "I was fine"
Truth again was that I wasnt fine.....and ended up dismissing my partners help and advice, thus pushing her and everyone else away. Now Im a single man without my children everyday and without the woman I love, all because I didnt come to terms with my mums death.
I will share more thoughts on this in my next blog and will detail some of the things that have helped me to regain me again.
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